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When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching