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My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
I’m not lazy
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO