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Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Wednesday
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.