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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance