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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic