☠️ ☠️
You Might Also Like
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.