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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.