☺️
You Might Also Like
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter