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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.