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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I told my vodka about you.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
🤣😂🤣😂
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster