Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

Okay me first

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough