♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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#dnd #ttrpg
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
happy friday
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”