Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am crying

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

make up your mind

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

Friends that check up on you >

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.