♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
sry
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.