Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Howl 😭

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.