♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
as is their right
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
PLOT TWIST:
A great tip. #CakeRex
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.