♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.