Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[during sex]

Can you pass the mashed potatoes?

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.