Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”

“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol