Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

😂🥴

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts