Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me