Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent