Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.