Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”