Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.