Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.