Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

sure, why not

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!