“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.