Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

I ate everything, including the H.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus