Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.