♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.