♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.