Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

the duality of man

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.