Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Still laughing at this stupid meme

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!