Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]