Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ