Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

ㅤ

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

The human personality is made of five key elements

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*