Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.