♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…