♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My dating profile:
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Just me?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad