Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.