⚠️ Important Reminder:
You Might Also Like
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.