⚠️ Important Reminder:
You Might Also Like
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
step 6: release the wall snake
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied