Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

My first child will be named New Folder.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks