Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.