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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
