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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting