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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Every work meeting this week
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.