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*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
i think both sides are to blame here