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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?