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My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Try and stop me.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Ghost costume 😂
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.