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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
drew a comic about my origin story
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”