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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Just a phase…
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.