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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Milk Cube
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe