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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
found this cool rock hiking today
Nothing to do, you say?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know