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This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.