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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.