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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I beg you to euthanise me
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE