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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
me hitting on a model
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.