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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Check out the legs on this baby
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
broke down and did it
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR