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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.