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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship