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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Just a friendly reminder!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
