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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
He died doing what he loved: being alive