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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
☠️ ☠️
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.