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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?