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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?