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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
*seductively eats two tums*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them