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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
File under excellent bookstore names.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Go hard or stay average
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish