Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.