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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said