こいつ天才
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Sunday
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.