Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.