それは草
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The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.