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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
oh shit
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?