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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
#Caturday
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.