You Might Also Like
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Why is this me 😫
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”