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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”