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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
no one ever comes back
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now