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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
This is so me 😂😂
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit