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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Got ya covered
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes