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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Legend 🤣🤣
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
This did not end as expected.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.